That is right. For the past few days I have fought a harrowing war of attrition with the scourge of mankind. The only animal to prey on Homo Sapiens. The one beast that strikes terror into the hearts of mere mortals: The Red Squirrel.
This communist rodent decided to rip out a screen in my attic and take up residence. That does not fly with me. Drove me nuts to hear that thing chewing God knows what- especially in the middle of the night waking up my dog whose sensitivities do not allow her to ignore it so we can sleep.
On Saturday while I traveled to CT for a friend's birthday party, Mrs. CTLP picked up a roll of hardware screen for me to repair the breach and eliminate the pestilence. As an aside- the party was a good time. My friend's brother requested I bring a gift to "break his balls" so thinking this was not a 'G' rated event stopped by the booze vending store and the wonder that is Tractor Supply Co. for gift ideas. What I ended up with was a home made 'animal intrusion kit':
(Not pictured: shoulder length rubber gloves)
This gift turned out to be even more horrible when he had to open it in front of his grand parents. It was a 'G' rated event... Okay- so that sidebar was off topic...
Anyway- back to live action-
Sunday I awoke with the battle plan in order. I sealed off one attic vent to make sure it did not find another way in and we waited to see the furry terror emerge so I could finish the job. In the afternoon it happened- the 5 oz dynamo bounded off the deck in search of a tree to eat. I scurried up into the attic space (which for those who have been to Casa de CTLP you know that the living room has vaulted ceilings, leaving VERY little room to maneuver) busting my knees open on metal joists and scraping my head, back and shoulders on nails to get to the other vent. But I worked through the pain, the heat and the legs falling asleep to put the new screen in place and re-insulated the area molested by the Red Scare.
By the time I exited the attic space I was a broken man. Elated though- that I had protected my domain and finally managed to place the beast at bay. After several armed patrols of the deck and house, only once hearing the piercing cry of the savage fluffy tailed rat, I retreated to bed. After all- they are not nocturnal...
Or so I thought...
HULK SMASH!!
Oh, the carnage...
I awoke to an upset Mrs. CTLP telling me that our puppy had treed the beast, and the stage for the final battle was set. Well, okay- having destroyed the vanes on my vent it had tried to gain access to the attic through the downspout and had managed to wedge itself there. I said the beast was fierce, not smart...
The next bit happened so fast, the adrenaline is probably all that pushed me through. I removed the bottom of the drain spout and positioned one of my (otherwise useless) hav-a-hart traps under the end, and taunted my foe mercilessly until it gave up and dropped into the trap. For future use, the Monty Python French Taunter scenes did not work for me. I found that a montage of Bill Murry in Caddy Shack (the only good varmit *blank* is a dead varmit *blank*) into Otter's response to Bluto at the end of Animal House (We could fight with conventional weapons, but that would take years and cost a lot of lives...) finally sapped it's will to fight on. Careful maneuvering by the wife and I allowed me to remove the drain spout from the trap while keeping the raging furball inside. I will not place a picture of the captured animal on this or any blog for fear of potentially scaring any child who wanders onto the site. Yes, that is right- lubricants stating "for animal use only" is okay, squirrel pictures are bad. All I have to say is- you did not stare into that things eyes, its cruel gaze pierces your soul!
But stare at it I did, and it blinked first. Well, okay, I don't even know if squirrels have eyelids, but it did run off to the corner of the cage to try and knaw through it. Either way it was a harrowing experience. After debating the pros and cons of releasing the squirrel vs. fitting it with cement shoes, I took it for a long ride and released it. I swear, if it has some kind of Disney-esque 'Incredible Journey' kind of thing and finds it's way back, I am going to flip out... Further surprises awaited my return, however.
Stay tuned for part two, the reason why the Non-Free Market Loving Glorified Rat wanted back in the attic so badly: PART DEUX- REVENGE OF THE RED!!!!
By the way- the Wood River is slightly more than swollen- it looks like a raging good time!
4 comments:
Wow...pictures of 'lubricants stating "for animal use only"' ... nothing else to say about that.
The rivers are going *nuts*. We drove down to Charlestown Sunday and I checked out every place the Pawcatuck crossed the road. Man o man.. almost raging as much as it was back in October when Bald Boy Wonder navigated the fearsome river. If FARTAB was tomorrow, we wouldn't have to paddle at all.
But if FARTAB were tomorrow I would probably spend significantly less time in my drinking shoes and more time in my 'whoo-hoo!' shoes...
I for one appreciate your humanitarian efforts towards removing Comrade Clusters Cereal. I'm sure if Pam Anderson knew how to use the internet, she would reward you handsomely and maybe even film it. But did you even bother to try and offer it and others a guest worker program? Those little guys have it tough out there under the rule of Vicente the Fox, so can you really blame him for trying?
Clusters is another squirrel story. It did not turn out quite as well for Clusters- but that was not my doing...
How do you know that Pam has not already rewarded me? Okay- she hasn't it was actually another animal lover, Shannon Elizabeth who 'thanked' me for my efforts- then yelled at me for separating the mother from the choodos.
The problem was the work that they were doing- they could have reshingled the house or painted the exterior, instead the little bastards were chewing things inside and out. No fun at all...
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